Flowers Die

do not want


nekonoai on Jul-24-2017

Warning: this post may contain gross things and a bunch of complaining concerning my pregnancy. Continue at your own risk.

I’m officially at week 27 at this point.

I thought by this point I would be done with the constant vomiting, exhaustion and all the other negative aspects, but it just seems like they’re staying the same and some days getting worse.

Getting comfortable with this growing belly is really hard. Hard to find a good position, and then once I find one, if they start kicking or moving around, it becomes not comfortable again and I have to try to find a different position. Sometimes I enjoy the kicking… when I’m feeling “normal” for the moment… then I can rub my belly and talk to them… But most of the time I’m not feeling normal and their kicking makes me want to puke.

I really wanted to enjoy my pregnancy, especially since this will probably be my only one, but I’m finding that most of the time I don’t. Apparently, I’m not the only one. A lot of women don’t enjoy being pregnant and are often miserable AF. So I guess it’s ok. I mean, I’m legit happy that I’m growing humans to bring into our lives finally, don’t get me wrong there. These little miracles are definitely still wanted and loved. I just wish they’d make me feel a little less like shit.

I haven’t even been able to nest properly or at all.

The nursery is painted, thanks to Tom’s mom and her husband. We have two cribs to put together courtesy of Tom’s dad… Probably no real rush on that… And I have a cube shelf to put together with some basket shelves to use for diaper storage. Other than that, one carseat and a bunch of second hand clothes, we’ve bought nothing so far… I thought maybe I’d have a baby shower, but the way I feel? Who knows if that will even happen. *sigh* I’m sure people want to hang around with a chick with her head constantly in a bucket. Super fun party girl, that’s me.

My house is a mess. Every now and then when I feel normal for a minute, I try to do something… Sometimes my body revolts and reminds me that I need to rest. Sometimes violently. It’s quite frustrating to not be able to do the things you want to do.

I wake up in the morning… usually between 4 and 5… and no matter if I eat crackers before getting up or not, as soon as I’m up, my head’s in the garbage can or a sink. If I’m lucky to make it to one of these before the explosion happens, it’s a good day. Being that early, there’s usually not much but water in my tummy, so of course there’s usually a rush of lovely yellow bile. And lots of phlegm. Jesus Christ, so much phlegm. How on earth can one person produce so much damn phlegm? I tend to keep water with me at all times, and the colder it is, the quicker I can usually get this episode to stop. But lately my ice tastes funny, which triggers me further. Need to clean the fridge and get a box of baking soda in there.

And heaven forbid I have to pee when I get up. If the vom session is particularly violent, the floodgates open and I end up with moist drawers, which isn’t fun first thing in the morning either. I blame the catheter that I got during my ectopic for this little bit of fun. Thankfully, this doesn’t happen every time. Stop laughing. Yeah, it’s funny, but it’s kinda not too. 😛

So if I’m not already downstairs by the time I’m done vomiting, I make my way down… slowly… and search for something to eat. I try to have either some leftovers from the night before… or something that’s super quick that can just be nuked or eaten cold or something. Once I’ve found that, I make my way to the couch, and take my meds and my initial blood… and then I try to sit still for at least 15-20 minutes… so that my thyroid med can absorb… they’re supposed to be taken on an empty stomach… and I’ve found that if I try to eat more than a bite or two of something, I end up barfing everything back up immediately. And who knows if the meds come with it or not. I try to distract my brain with facebook or youtube or netflix… depending on if Tom’s already up or not (he gets up at 530 during the week)… I try not to be a jerk and wake him up. Such a nice wife I am.

Then I eat my breakfast and try to relax for the hour until i have to poke myself for more blood. Sometimes I make it the full hour without puking, sometimes I don’t. Depends on the day. This morning I didn’t make it. I barely made it to the sink.

Of course, then I’m hungry an hour later, so I go looking for other food. It’s pretty much like this all day on an endless cycle. Sometimes things stay down forever. Sometimes they don’t. It doesn’t matter what I eat. Sometimes something that stayed down yesterday will come back up tomorrow. It doesn’t matter. Generally, I find that my best meal, the one that generally stays inside me, is dinner. I don’t know why. Especially since sometimes the snack I have before bedtime comes back up. Who knows?

As you may imagine, all this vomiting makes me tired AF. I’ve started falling asleep sitting up on the couch, which is something I have NEVER done before. This started this week, and it usually lasts an hour or two. It kind of freaks me out a little… But I guess any way my body can get rest is good, right? My body is working so hard.

I’ve started having tons of muscle pain on the sides of my abdomen from vomiting and coughing, and it hurts the most while I’m vomiting or coughing, or heaven forbid I sneeze! Also the heartburn starts after the vomiting and lasts pretty much all day long.

It’s summer. I can’t eat ice cream. Most dairy makes me barf. A lot of sugar (even artificial) makes me barf. I guess it’s good that I can’t eat a lot of sugar, cause I am really hoping to avoid having to take insulin in my last trimester, especially since my bloods have been super awesome. Fruit, for the most part seems to be ok. They like certain fruits, especially if they’re really cold. I’ve taken to putting some fruits in the freezer, like pineapple. But I can’t eat much pineapple cause it flares my acid… I should see if I still have some frozen cherries in there somewhere…

I’ve barely left the house in the past few months, and when I do it’s a struggle. Tom usually has to pull over once or twice so I can barf on the side of the road and not IN the car. I sit in the backseat like he’s my chauffeur. It helps, somewhat, with my anxiety flares… which happen every time now… probably because we’re mostly just going to doctors these days… I carry water everywhere with me. And usually also a damp washcloth, sometimes with ice inside. Sometimes the cold is distracting enough. Sometimes I need it, in case I feel like I’m too hot. Sometimes people ask me about my linus blankets, sometimes not. Sometimes I barf once or twice during appointments, sometimes I don’t. I always warn that they may need to have a garbage can on standby. These people are used to dealing with pregnant women, so i guess it’s not a big deal.

I miss being able to just go outside for a walk… or just go anywhere without incident. I can’t wait for these hormonal swings to be done so I can have my body back. LOL

Speaking of hormonal swings… It seems like everything makes me cry… and too much crying is a trigger for more vomiting! It seems like everything is a trigger for vomiting…

too hot? trigger
steam in the shower or from boiling water? trigger
water hitting my body a certain way? trigger (bathing is fucking difficult and hair washing is impossible)
crying? trigger
talking too much? trigger
hungry? trigger
too full? trigger
move around too much? trigger
babies kicking or moving too much? trigger
and the hits keep coming….

Cats are interesting creatures. Neko is pretty much by my side at all times of the day. She follows me around the house and yells at me if I’m trying to do too much… She yells at me if I’m up past my bed time (who taught this cat how to tell time?), which only happens if I’ve managed two naps during the day… she puts her paw on me when i’m making uncomfortable noises… she sits next to me and purrs to make me feel calm… and she sleeps with me at night. She still doesn’t like cuddles, but she never did like cuddles. I’m ok with that. I like the company… especially when Tom’s at work all day. I don’t feel as lonely. She hates when I barf. It’s disturbing to her. I can’t say that I blame her. It’s disturbing to me.

A few weeks ago, I noticed something weird on one of my nipples. It looked kind of like a big grain of salt. Like a giant salt crystal. Of course, I had to google this to see what kind of weirdness was going on… Apparently this is another “normal” thing that pregnant women go thru in the second and third trimesters. It’s dried colostrum and means that my boobs are gearing up for production. GOOD NEWS, EVERYONE! Since then, I’ve seen lots more crystals every so often, which is cool. The body does some weird shit, yo.

So my days are mostly eat, vomit, netflix, bathroom, try to do a thing, sleep… in varying order throughout the day. Some days I feel better than others. Some days I can barely get off my ass and wish I had people to bring me things.

My husband, bless his lovely soul, is about as frustrated as I am. He has to work all day and then come home and do minimal chores and maybe have to help cook dinner. He wishes all of this “fun” would pass so that I could be a normal housewife again. He knows I’m frustrated by how much I’m unable to do… and he tries to help, but there are just so many hours in a day… There’s only so much energy you can expend after being at work all day. Plus having to clean the floor if I don’t make it to the garbage or sink? He worries about how much I barf and how violently. He was there with me when I got my first vom nosebleed, thankfully, so he could get my kleenex from across the room. Why is everything always across the room when you need it? 😛

I honestly don’t know how I would get along without him. He’s been doing all of the shopping… he’s even done laundry for me, which is something I really don’t like to ask anyone to do. 😛 He’s so wonderful and I love him so much and I just know he’s gonna be an awesome daddy to our girls.

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