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We’re here to PUMP you up!

nekonoai on Sep-23-2017

I never really gave a thought to the fact that my girls wouldn’t be able to immediately breastfeed after they were born. Of course they would.

And then I had preemies. LOL Their little mouths are too small to get the adequate amount of breastmeat in there in order for the latch to be successful. That doesn’t mean they don’t try for it. The other day, I had R on my chest doing skin time with her… and she bounced around in search of… found a nipple all on her own and immediately clamped down on just the nipple and gummed it a few times. OW. They REALLY want to be able to just have mommy milkies, but it’s just not in the cards right now because they’re still so tiny. So we supplement with a special preemie formula (that costs $18 a damn can, and isn’t available at our store. Thank goodness for Amazon pantry); and I pump as often as possible.

Pumping wasn’t really easy for me from the beginning. At first, in the hospital, I would do one boob at a time, and get tiny drops of that lovely liquid gold that I would immediately send down to the special care nursery for my girls to enjoy at feeding time. As the week went on, I started getting more of that at a time, until it eventually ran out and my milk got thinner and more… well just milk.

In the hospital, I used a medela symphony. Those things are awesome because they have a built in program that varys how they suck, just like real babies do… They’re also like $2000+ and insurance won’t pay for you to have one at home… But I suppose you could always rent it. I ended up getting a Spectra thru insurance when we left the hospital. Honestly, the spectra’s suction is WAY more intense than the medela was… and I have to keep it on the lowest suction level or it hurts pretty bad… and I’m not into breast pain, thx. Plus, pain is not condusive to production. 😛

The hardest thing about pumping has been trying to hold on the flanges with both hands the whole time. It pretty much made me a lump for 15-30 minutes at a time, regardless of how much actuall extracted. It sucks when you’re sitting around for 30 minutes and only get 2ml of milk. Do you know how little 2ml is? It’s about 1/4 TEASPOON. Kind of makes you want to cry. My pumping supply has definitely gone down since I’ve gotten home, and I blame that on the fact that I have to handle all of the baby stuff myself, plus cook for myself, and make sure I get plenty to drink by myself. In the hospital, I always had the option of letting the nurses in the SCU take a feeding or three, and they brought me lovely well balanced meals 3 times a day, and lots of hydrating fluids. I really got spoiled in the hospital. The food wasn’t bad for the most part, except for sometimes the meat was a little dry or the veggies a little bland… but most of the time I cleaned my plate, plus ate the snacks that they served along side, or if I was full, I saved the snacks for later. I was ravenous, and I pumped every 3 hours like clockwork, around the clock. I couldn’t really sleep anyways, because I couldn’t get comfortable. C-sections will do that to you.

Since I’ve been home, my appetite has decreased significantly, which is really bad, and probably no wonder why I’m only getting tiny amounts of milk at a time. My poor babies are being deprived of my nourishment because of this. Plus, having to sit like a lump with my hands holding things to me for 30 minutes at a time is difficult. Especially overnight. Especially when I’d fall asleep sitting there, drop one of the bottles and spill all of the milk I’d just expressed. yes, we do cry over spilled milk in this house. T.T It’s friggin devistating. And I also can’t do anything else, so if I’m pumping and a baby cries or I have to pee or the house sets on fire… I can’t do anything but sit there and just wait… Mostly Netflix and Pump. I’ve been going thru Bones. And then… when I finally get to sleep… sometimes I don’t want to get up to pump.. or I want to just go back to sleep after feeding the babies… and these things are both not good for boosting supply. *sigh* But I am guilty of it. It’s hard, ya’ll – – really friggin hard.

Today, I had my first venture out of the house without the babies. My mother in law and I went to Target to use up the gift cards from my wedding shower. (LOL 5 year old gift cards ftw) I got some swaddlers and some more of the bottles we like using, because we only had two and it’s really inconvenient to have to be constantly washing the same bottles out every damn time. Now I have 8 of these bottles and can just line them up and fill them with nursery water so they’re waiting for formula… or keep a couple of them in the fridge with breast milk collecting for the girls. I also found a hands free pumping bra thingie… It’s more like a band type thing because it doesn’t have straps… but it has holes in the front that you stick the flanges thru so it can hold them to the boob area. I got the biggest one available because it said it could handle my size 44DDDs. ;P It’s a little bit unweildly to get on… it has a hook and front zipper… and it’s a bit snug, but I suppose it needs to be… The material stretches plenty, but it really holds ya there once you let go and stop stretching. I’m sure it may loosen a bit in time. all stretchy things do. But I’ve used it once so far and it was lovely. I was able to use my hands while pumping. OMG. o/` a whole new world…o/` And since my pump is a unit that has a rechargable battery and doesn’t need to be plugged in all the time, I can be a bit more portable… Like I could go to other rooms and maybe even pee while pumping… not that I want to think about that. But if I needed to run out of the house if it caught on fire, I would have two hands to grab my babies and my pump and keep right on pumping the whole time. LOL (morbid thoughts much? my house isn’t gonna catch on fire.) So, even tho it’s a little bit snugger than I generally like things to be, I’m calling this thing a win for now. Being able to surf the web or chop veggies or even feed a kid while pumping? OMG. FEED A KID WHILE PUMPING!?! THEN I WOULDN’T HAVE TO STAY UP EXTRA LATE? OMG I NEED TO TRY THIS TONIGHT… sorry… got a little excited there. This is gonna be a game-changer. Hopefully this will help me ramp up my supply… I really need to pump more than 2-10ml at a time… I think the most I’ve gotten since I’ve been home was like… 20 ml… or 4 teaspoons (or 1 tablespoon and a teaspoon). My girls normally eat around 50-60 ml at a time right now (They’re a week and 4 days old), 6-8 times a day… so that’s not nearly enough to even feed one of them ONE feeding.

Gotta eat more… drink more… I got some mother’s milk tea… got a remedy for sore nips that involves warm salt water… and now this hands free pumping bra thing. Let’s do this!

In other news, my girls are still very tiny, but they are gaining the appropriate amount of weight that doctors want them to gain, so I’m happy. It sucks that they have to gain using mainly formula, but I have to be realistic. FED is best. And the fact that they keep trying to find my boob and get my milk just makes me all the more determined to at least extract it for them until they can successfully get it for themselves, and for that they need to grow!

I love these girls sooo much. How could I not?


nekonoai on Jul-24-2017

Warning: this post may contain gross things and a bunch of complaining concerning my pregnancy. Continue at your own risk.

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Why did you announce so early?

nekonoai on Apr-26-2017

A couple of people have asked me why I announced my pregnancy as early as I did.

Well, it’s hardly easy to pretend to not have any information when you’ve been sharing your infertility journey right along. After I lost my first baby as an ectopic, I decided that I wouldn’t remain silent about the process. I’m actually kind of glad I didn’t. I think that I’ve educated a lot of people around me as to just how difficult this whole babymaking thing can be. (1 in 8 women struggle with infertility.) I know that a lot of people choose to be silent with this process for whatever reason, but I just couldn’t. I’m not an attention whore by any stretch of the imagination. But Nobody really knew why I was suddenly in the hospital nearly dying… Until I was able to share my story.

So, this time around… After enduring all the treatments and having this last one actually succeed… A few people guessed early that I was pregnant (the more nosy ones, you know who you are, and I love you anyways), but I told them that I would announce when it was appropriate. For me, the appropriate time was when I got the first ultrasound picture after all the blood tests were done.

This was at 7 weeks. This is when I saw two little beans pulsing away on opposite sides of my baby factory. This was after a scare the weekend before where I had a massive blood glob fall out of me and I panicked and called the doctor and was told to lay in bed all weekend and come in on Monday. The glob was only my body making room for a second little bean to nestle in.

I have to admit I had mixed feelings when I saw that there were two. We both knew it could happen, because we put in both of our genetically normal embryos in me. I had a feeling that at least the one that was popping out of the shell and sending out feelers to the world would attach, but I didn’t know about the other one. Seeing both of them in there, beating away strong and fast, it was amazing.

How could I not share that with everyone? So I did.

Yes… 7 weeks is hella early to be sharing a pregnancy. Yes, most people wait until week 14 (the start of 2nd trimester) at least before saying anything. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to be alone again if something bad happened (nothing has so far, knock on wood). I didn’t want to be silent about any of this. I still don’t.

Pregnancy is not glorious or glamourous.
It’s disgusting… I barf a LOT… I’ve broken out in acne on my face and back… I had to cut my hair really short just so that I could manage washing it in the morning because showers make me barf too… Oh, and I’m constantly peeing.
It’s uncomfortable… my clothes, especially pants, stopped fitting me correctly around week 9 and I started using a bella band (those are so awesome, totally get a couple if you get pregnant)… and now I’m looking for looser pants that I had put away a year ago… I have TWO bra extenders on my bra and it’s still feeling restrictive to my breathing…And it doesn’t help that my boobs HURT. OMG!
It’s hard to get comfortable in bed… if I lay on my back too long, my heart kind of goes crazy for a second, I guess reminding me that I should be on my side. I just bought one of those pregnancy pillows… It’ll get here thursday, I hope it was worth it.
It’s made me super emo… I cry over EVERYTHING. Everything gives me the feels.
I’m constantly exhausted. I wake up fully rested, yet exhausted. Yes, it makes no sense. And if I don’t get to nap during the day (because work), I feel lousy.

I’ve been told that pregnancy symptoms with twins are twice as bad as with a single baby, but I really don’t have anything to compare it with, and probably never will.

The one majorly positive thing that has come from being pregnant is that my depression has completely disappeared. Yes, I’m miserable, but I’m happy about it? I’ve struggled with bad depression for a very long time, and since I found out that it worked this time, I’ve had none of that. Of course, I worry that I will come down with a bad case of post partum depression when these lovely baby hormones have worked their way out of my system, but I’m hoping that I don’t. At least I know that my husband is a rock who is there for me no matter what.

This jerk comes after me and cleans up my vom while I’m still hurking into a sink (if it’s fallen on the floor). He’s washed my laundry and my coat several million times after I’ve barfed in the car and all over myself. He’s helped me cook with his horrid knife skills when I couldn’t stand the smell of raw meat. And he’s there every night with a back rub if I need it. He deals with my mood swings… I love him so much.

Yes, I am happy and excited to be pregnant. I am also miserable. These things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. People are constantly showing only the positive side to everything. Only the happy smiles with their baby bumps. Where is the real picture?

And yes, I also revealed the gender already as well. Why? Because I had it in a sealed envelope since the day they were implanted (that’s part of the fun of having had genetic testing, gender is part of the chromosomes, after all). Normally, you don’t find out until an ultrasound at around 20 weeks… but why wait? 😛 I finally looked at it at the end of March. “HONEY! We’re having girls!” How many times did I say that? Super excitedly… Sooo many times. And every time I passed the bookshelf in the kitchen, where the paper was still laying I would say it again.

Now, I would have been just as happy had they been both boys or one of each…As long as they’re healthy! But I always saw myself with girls, even though I did have a boy’s name all picked out. Why are girls names so hard? 😛 Tom is very happy too because he wanted girls as well. I can’t wait for him to hold his babies. ^_^

So, yeah, I announced things early. I want everyone to ride this roller coaster with me. 😉

week 14 fun

nekonoai on Apr-25-2017

So I’m officially 14 weeks and 6 days in. 2nd trimester official!

Still vomiting, no nausea. So it’s always surprise! or else hurk hurk blort (like a cat with a hairball). I prefer the second version, as there’s warning enough to get to a garbage can or sink.


  • The shower hitting me a certain way.
  • steam in the shower.
  • really funky smells.
  • over exertion
  • anxiety/stress (happens most in the car, at work, or when we’re trying to get out the door and do things I don’t want to do)

Thankfully, the hurking because I ate what they didn’t want has gone away. I think we’ve come to an agreement. I can’t always eat what they want right STAT now, but I do try to work it in when I can.

Getting tired of poking my fingers to do the blood test. My poor fingers are bruised all to heck. My bloods have been normal for the most part. Only a couple of spikes, and I’ve avoided those particular foods because of it. I’m hoping I don’t end up having to poke all 9 months. bleh.

Going to the doctor today and not sure what to expect. As I said, I’m 14 weeks… but the schedule on the website says to go 12 and 16 weeks… So I have no idea… Schedule, if you’re interested.

I’ve been starting to feel like nesting a lot more lately, but still exhausted as heck, so I’ve been doing things slowly. I’ve almost got all the laundry done… I built a new shelf to house the board games so I could use my linen closet for towels, sheets, and extra paper goods again (they’ve been taking up residence in the nursery for too long). This weekend I’m building a couple more shelves for the kitchen to house all these fabric drawers of stuff that are floating around (i love fabric drawers)… like for my tupperwear lids, canning stuff… kitchenaid attachments that are too big for drawers… etc. I’m really in the organizing mood. I even bought a 3 hole punch so I could fix up binders for my medical stuff and for stuff related to Jess that’s important.

Next weekend, I’ll be getting some help clearing out the nursery from my awesome mother in law. <3 I’ve already drawn up plans for how I want the furniture in there… when we get it… Which, I am hoping to do some time toward the end of the 2nd trimester… so… let’s see… when will that be? somewhere in the middle of July, it looks like. 🙂 Not sure if/when/where/how I will have a baby shower. If we don’t, we don’t. Not a big deal. Nearly everyone is out of town, so such things seem nearly impossible to me.

The week after is the Ronald McDonald house sale. They always have SOOOO much baby stuff, so I’m hoping to get a bunch of clothes and things for them there. Maybe some extra blankets. I’ve been wanting extra blankets lately for some reason. 😛

We’ve decided the car upgrade we want to get, and that will happen some time over the summer as well. So exciting. There’s a lot going on.

Can I have a nap now? 😛

Schedules and frustrations

nekonoai on Jan-6-2017

So we’re transferring these two little guys on Feb 1st. (No, I do not yet know the sex, and I might not look at the sex even when I do get the paper with the report, because that’s really not all that important to me.)

I’ve scheduled my bloodwork and my ultrasound/lining check for this month…

Trying to schedule some acupuncture and getting frustrated with not getting a reply. I emailed her first before the holiday week and then again today since the holidays are now officially over. I get really antsy and unfocused when I don’t get responses on things. I don’t want to have to go to a new place and start all over… but I really like to make my appointments so that I have them. It helps with my anxiety. Bleh.

I’m supposed to try being stress free during this time, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. We’re going through a major transition at work and of course everything has to be done last minute (by me) with nobody answering my questions and then having to figure out what happened when things break for things that I didn’t have a hand in setting up in the first place. So of course, my phone is ringing nonstop, my email is stuffed with ZOMG THIS ARE BORKEN, and I’m about a month behind on doing my usual, regular work with nobody to help me since they haven’t found a replacement for my assistant.

I keep telling myself that I’m only one person. I make lists and do things one at a time so that I can keep track of what’s done and what still needs to be done, because I wouldn’t remember otherwise.

My diet has gone to shit. I’m eating crap more often than healthy things because crap is faster and I’m exhausted and don’t feel like putting forth the effort it takes to cook something meaningful. I really wish my husband could cook, but he just leaves it all on me, and will only offer to make himself a sandwich or something when I tell him I’m worn out and don’t feel like cooking. Fine, but what good does that do ME? Does that get me something decent for dinner or for lunch the next day if I need it? *sigh*

I’m so frustrated by everything, and these meds I’m on are magnifying things. I feel like everything is spiraling out of my control.