Flowers Die

do not want

Archive for the ‘rambling’ Category


nekonoai on Jul-24-2017

Warning: this post may contain gross things and a bunch of complaining concerning my pregnancy. Continue at your own risk.

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Why did you announce so early?

nekonoai on Apr-26-2017

A couple of people have asked me why I announced my pregnancy as early as I did.

Well, it’s hardly easy to pretend to not have any information when you’ve been sharing your infertility journey right along. After I lost my first baby as an ectopic, I decided that I wouldn’t remain silent about the process. I’m actually kind of glad I didn’t. I think that I’ve educated a lot of people around me as to just how difficult this whole babymaking thing can be. (1 in 8 women struggle with infertility.) I know that a lot of people choose to be silent with this process for whatever reason, but I just couldn’t. I’m not an attention whore by any stretch of the imagination. But Nobody really knew why I was suddenly in the hospital nearly dying… Until I was able to share my story.

So, this time around… After enduring all the treatments and having this last one actually succeed… A few people guessed early that I was pregnant (the more nosy ones, you know who you are, and I love you anyways), but I told them that I would announce when it was appropriate. For me, the appropriate time was when I got the first ultrasound picture after all the blood tests were done.

This was at 7 weeks. This is when I saw two little beans pulsing away on opposite sides of my baby factory. This was after a scare the weekend before where I had a massive blood glob fall out of me and I panicked and called the doctor and was told to lay in bed all weekend and come in on Monday. The glob was only my body making room for a second little bean to nestle in.

I have to admit I had mixed feelings when I saw that there were two. We both knew it could happen, because we put in both of our genetically normal embryos in me. I had a feeling that at least the one that was popping out of the shell and sending out feelers to the world would attach, but I didn’t know about the other one. Seeing both of them in there, beating away strong and fast, it was amazing.

How could I not share that with everyone? So I did.

Yes… 7 weeks is hella early to be sharing a pregnancy. Yes, most people wait until week 14 (the start of 2nd trimester) at least before saying anything. I couldn’t. I didn’t want to be alone again if something bad happened (nothing has so far, knock on wood). I didn’t want to be silent about any of this. I still don’t.

Pregnancy is not glorious or glamourous.
It’s disgusting… I barf a LOT… I’ve broken out in acne on my face and back… I had to cut my hair really short just so that I could manage washing it in the morning because showers make me barf too… Oh, and I’m constantly peeing.
It’s uncomfortable… my clothes, especially pants, stopped fitting me correctly around week 9 and I started using a bella band (those are so awesome, totally get a couple if you get pregnant)… and now I’m looking for looser pants that I had put away a year ago… I have TWO bra extenders on my bra and it’s still feeling restrictive to my breathing…And it doesn’t help that my boobs HURT. OMG!
It’s hard to get comfortable in bed… if I lay on my back too long, my heart kind of goes crazy for a second, I guess reminding me that I should be on my side. I just bought one of those pregnancy pillows… It’ll get here thursday, I hope it was worth it.
It’s made me super emo… I cry over EVERYTHING. Everything gives me the feels.
I’m constantly exhausted. I wake up fully rested, yet exhausted. Yes, it makes no sense. And if I don’t get to nap during the day (because work), I feel lousy.

I’ve been told that pregnancy symptoms with twins are twice as bad as with a single baby, but I really don’t have anything to compare it with, and probably never will.

The one majorly positive thing that has come from being pregnant is that my depression has completely disappeared. Yes, I’m miserable, but I’m happy about it? I’ve struggled with bad depression for a very long time, and since I found out that it worked this time, I’ve had none of that. Of course, I worry that I will come down with a bad case of post partum depression when these lovely baby hormones have worked their way out of my system, but I’m hoping that I don’t. At least I know that my husband is a rock who is there for me no matter what.

This jerk comes after me and cleans up my vom while I’m still hurking into a sink (if it’s fallen on the floor). He’s washed my laundry and my coat several million times after I’ve barfed in the car and all over myself. He’s helped me cook with his horrid knife skills when I couldn’t stand the smell of raw meat. And he’s there every night with a back rub if I need it. He deals with my mood swings… I love him so much.

Yes, I am happy and excited to be pregnant. I am also miserable. These things don’t have to be mutually exclusive. People are constantly showing only the positive side to everything. Only the happy smiles with their baby bumps. Where is the real picture?

And yes, I also revealed the gender already as well. Why? Because I had it in a sealed envelope since the day they were implanted (that’s part of the fun of having had genetic testing, gender is part of the chromosomes, after all). Normally, you don’t find out until an ultrasound at around 20 weeks… but why wait? 😛 I finally looked at it at the end of March. “HONEY! We’re having girls!” How many times did I say that? Super excitedly… Sooo many times. And every time I passed the bookshelf in the kitchen, where the paper was still laying I would say it again.

Now, I would have been just as happy had they been both boys or one of each…As long as they’re healthy! But I always saw myself with girls, even though I did have a boy’s name all picked out. Why are girls names so hard? 😛 Tom is very happy too because he wanted girls as well. I can’t wait for him to hold his babies. ^_^

So, yeah, I announced things early. I want everyone to ride this roller coaster with me. 😉

week 14 fun

nekonoai on Apr-25-2017

So I’m officially 14 weeks and 6 days in. 2nd trimester official!

Still vomiting, no nausea. So it’s always surprise! or else hurk hurk blort (like a cat with a hairball). I prefer the second version, as there’s warning enough to get to a garbage can or sink.


  • The shower hitting me a certain way.
  • steam in the shower.
  • really funky smells.
  • over exertion
  • anxiety/stress (happens most in the car, at work, or when we’re trying to get out the door and do things I don’t want to do)

Thankfully, the hurking because I ate what they didn’t want has gone away. I think we’ve come to an agreement. I can’t always eat what they want right STAT now, but I do try to work it in when I can.

Getting tired of poking my fingers to do the blood test. My poor fingers are bruised all to heck. My bloods have been normal for the most part. Only a couple of spikes, and I’ve avoided those particular foods because of it. I’m hoping I don’t end up having to poke all 9 months. bleh.

Going to the doctor today and not sure what to expect. As I said, I’m 14 weeks… but the schedule on the website says to go 12 and 16 weeks… So I have no idea… Schedule, if you’re interested.

I’ve been starting to feel like nesting a lot more lately, but still exhausted as heck, so I’ve been doing things slowly. I’ve almost got all the laundry done… I built a new shelf to house the board games so I could use my linen closet for towels, sheets, and extra paper goods again (they’ve been taking up residence in the nursery for too long). This weekend I’m building a couple more shelves for the kitchen to house all these fabric drawers of stuff that are floating around (i love fabric drawers)… like for my tupperwear lids, canning stuff… kitchenaid attachments that are too big for drawers… etc. I’m really in the organizing mood. I even bought a 3 hole punch so I could fix up binders for my medical stuff and for stuff related to Jess that’s important.

Next weekend, I’ll be getting some help clearing out the nursery from my awesome mother in law. <3 I’ve already drawn up plans for how I want the furniture in there… when we get it… Which, I am hoping to do some time toward the end of the 2nd trimester… so… let’s see… when will that be? somewhere in the middle of July, it looks like. 🙂 Not sure if/when/where/how I will have a baby shower. If we don’t, we don’t. Not a big deal. Nearly everyone is out of town, so such things seem nearly impossible to me.

The week after is the Ronald McDonald house sale. They always have SOOOO much baby stuff, so I’m hoping to get a bunch of clothes and things for them there. Maybe some extra blankets. I’ve been wanting extra blankets lately for some reason. 😛

We’ve decided the car upgrade we want to get, and that will happen some time over the summer as well. So exciting. There’s a lot going on.

Can I have a nap now? 😛

Schedules and frustrations

nekonoai on Jan-6-2017

So we’re transferring these two little guys on Feb 1st. (No, I do not yet know the sex, and I might not look at the sex even when I do get the paper with the report, because that’s really not all that important to me.)

I’ve scheduled my bloodwork and my ultrasound/lining check for this month…

Trying to schedule some acupuncture and getting frustrated with not getting a reply. I emailed her first before the holiday week and then again today since the holidays are now officially over. I get really antsy and unfocused when I don’t get responses on things. I don’t want to have to go to a new place and start all over… but I really like to make my appointments so that I have them. It helps with my anxiety. Bleh.

I’m supposed to try being stress free during this time, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. We’re going through a major transition at work and of course everything has to be done last minute (by me) with nobody answering my questions and then having to figure out what happened when things break for things that I didn’t have a hand in setting up in the first place. So of course, my phone is ringing nonstop, my email is stuffed with ZOMG THIS ARE BORKEN, and I’m about a month behind on doing my usual, regular work with nobody to help me since they haven’t found a replacement for my assistant.

I keep telling myself that I’m only one person. I make lists and do things one at a time so that I can keep track of what’s done and what still needs to be done, because I wouldn’t remember otherwise.

My diet has gone to shit. I’m eating crap more often than healthy things because crap is faster and I’m exhausted and don’t feel like putting forth the effort it takes to cook something meaningful. I really wish my husband could cook, but he just leaves it all on me, and will only offer to make himself a sandwich or something when I tell him I’m worn out and don’t feel like cooking. Fine, but what good does that do ME? Does that get me something decent for dinner or for lunch the next day if I need it? *sigh*

I’m so frustrated by everything, and these meds I’m on are magnifying things. I feel like everything is spiraling out of my control.

getting sucked in

nekonoai on Sep-3-2009

Getting pulled into roleplaying again. This time in a Shadowrun based system. I’ve been trying to think of what kind of character I want to play all week, and it ain’t coming easy. I mean, some ideas come easy, but then there are those ideas that I don’t know are even possible. LIke I had the idea to play a half-breed, but I’m not sure if the DM will even allow this. I also don’t know if any of my technology ideas will even work the way I want them to. Plus, I haven’t even decided on a name yet. Plus, I’m hoping that no one else has decided to play a Hacker or Technomancer type, because it will suck having to scrap and restart.

I got a PDF of the sourcebook from Hunter, and I’ve been reading through it today to get a feel for the world. It kind of reminds me a little bit of Dark Angel, cept with more supernatural type elements. Maybe second season Dark Angel when all the freaks came out. LOL Cept, hopefully less sucky. At any rate, it should be entertaining once I figure out what to do and calm down a bit. Gotta settle into character.

I’ve started saving up to buy a laptop. Yeah, after years of saying WTF do I need that for? I want one. I found a nice one on newegg that should do all I need it to. I should be able to have enough saved up by december, as long as nothing unfortunate happens. *sigh* I swear, if I was the praying type, I’d be on my knees 24-7 these days. I hope things work out favorably for all involved parties.

Anyway, back to the game. I’m kind of torn between wanting to play a human and an elf. I have a feeling the elf will win out, because it’s what Hunter wants me to play. I already know she has an aversion to guns. Knives are ok and she wears a blade shaped like a lightning bolt attached to her belt, looking like an innocent enough accessory.

In other news, I’ve been on a rather harsh emotional rollercoaster this week. I totally blame hormones and the moon. One minute I’m a raving bitch to everyone in the vicinity, and the next I’m like Niagara Falls. Every so often I’ll get what I’ve dubbed the Kanashimi Wave. Just this wave of sadness will crash into me and squeeze at me for a moment, making me feel like crying, and then it lets go. I experienced this yesterday morning while I was walking to the bus stop. It happened for no good reason, but it was harsh. I’m hoping that it lets up over the weekend. If I get crashed into by Kanashimi Wave in front of Hunter, I don’t know how I’ll handle it. *sigh* He’s such a sweet boy. I don’t want him to worry about me. He’s got enough going on right now. Man, what’s with this selflessness? Let’s be real here. You want him to hold you tight while you cry your brains out for no good reason, you silly girl, and you know it!

Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to school for psychology.. and then I think… school? blech. 😛 I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to pay for it. But there ain’t so such thing as a free education.