Flowers Die

do not want

Archive for the ‘trauma’ Category

How did I get to be so afraid?

nekonoai on Nov-2-2008

I’m afraid of being alone, but I’m afraid of meeting strangers. That’s probably the biggest thing that’s kept me off the dating sites. I keep thinking that if these people meet me, they’ll either just want a quick one or they’ll take one look and head in the other direction. I’ve been pretty man-phobic for most of my life. It probably started when I was 7 with that incident in Gold Circle.

It was right after Jess was born. I was pushing her around in the toys section that was right near the baby stuff section where mom was looking for clothes. Gold Circle was kind of like a walmart, way back in the early 80s.  This was 1984. Probably April or May. Anyway, she was in the cart in her little carseat thing, sleeping. And I was lookin at the toys. Totally not staying with mom like she told me to. I always liked to wander off.  There wasn’t anyone else in the section except for this guy. He was wearing a trucker hat, sunglasses and had a red beard. Bushy, like them mountain men types.

When I passed him, he started talking to me. Idle chit chat like “is that your baby sister?” and other stuff I can’t quite remember now. I don’t even remember what his voice sounded like anymore. I don’t remember what he said to me to make me look down. All I know is that I looked down and it was sticking out of his pants and he wanted me to kiss it or something. What did I know about such things? I’d never seen a male naked. I went closer.

But then something in my head clicked that this couldn’t possibly be ok. I grabbed the cart, pulled it towards me, ran over his foot and then booked it over to where mom was. I told her I didn’t feel good and wanted to go home. Luckily, the jarring of the cart had woken Jess up and she was crying, so it was a good excuse to leave anyway.

I never did tell mom about this until I was in college. I’m still not sure if she really believes me.

It was since then that I’ve been afraid of men. What made things worse, was one of my babysitters had a boyfriend or husband or something that had a bushy red beard. He wasn’t around much during the day when we were at her house, but on the occasion that he did show up, I remember running and hiding in the garage playroom.

How funny is it that most of my friends growing up were boys, but I could never be comfortable around grown men?

It’s probably that fear that led me to go through what mom calls my little “lesbian phase”. That five year stint through half of high school and half of college when I was in a relationship with a girl I knew in 8th grade. A girl who, in the middle of college tore my heart to shreds because she decided she wanted to be with guys. I really can’t blame her for that. She finally found a husband and I was in her wedding. Probably the last wedding I’ll ever want to go to. All my friends are married now. Or at least in a comfortable long term relationship. I don’t know if I’ll ever have that.

I think this whole thing has ruined every relationship I’ve ever tried to have.  There’s always some insecurity holding me back. Always some fear looming about me. My first time with a guy was less than glamorous. Point of fact, I was scared shitless and it hurt. I ran out of there pretty quick before anything was accomplished even. I’m honestly shocked that he’s still friends with me. He must’ve thought I was crazy or he was horrid or something. I don’t know. It never comes up. He was probably one of my best, if not only, friends in college. Someone I felt comfortable with. But I guess not to that extent.

My next try wasn’t much better. He was introduced to me, and I really didn’t know him all that well. I guess I wasn’t giving up the goods fast enough or something, because I found out he was seeing my ex behind my back. I’m really not sure who initiated it, and I don’t know if I really want to find out at this point. He’s married now, to another good friend of mine, and they have a gorgeous daughter and another on the way. She has what I want most. and I don’t know how to get it because I’m broken or something.

There’s only been one man in my life that I’ve trusted completely, and I don’t even know how he feels. The first time I met him, I felt this spark inside me that I hadn’t felt ever. I felt completely safe. Like as long as I was with him, nothing bad could happen to me. He made me soup when I was sick. He showed me beautiful places. He made me feel like I was actually worth something. The only problem was… he lived 900 miles away.

I had met him on a chatting/roleplaying client that a friend of mine online wanted me to go to. She said it was a fun way to escape and it was where she was going to chat the most because she was leaving a site where people were treating her badly. She was a friend, so I went there. I guess he was a friend of hers as well, and I met him one day while talking to her. He seemed nice enough. Very into the furry stuff that was the world I had entered. He liked to draw. I actually still have a letter he sent me with drawings he did. He probably thinks I threw that out a long time ago. But I have it. I find it hard to get rid of meaningful things.

It took a great deal of courage for me to buy a ticket to meet someone I hardly knew, aside from online chatting, which had been going on for the better part of a year, if not longer. It was christmas break. And I was going to spend my vacation in Georgia. I wouldn’t have to worry about a hotel or anything, because he said they had a spare room.

I remember that first meeting in the airport. I didn’t know where he was going to meet me, so I just went to baggage. He came in late… looked around, but didn’t see me. I saw him. This was before security got insane, so he went up to my gate. When I wasn’t there, he came back to baggage. He gave me a hug and then helped me with my suitcase. We went out to his blue truck. A little ford ranger. Seemed to suit him.

He opened the glove box and pulled out a little box. My present, he said. I didn’t want to open it right then, but he told me to. Inside was a little necklace with a circular celtic knot. And a celtic knot ring. Silver. So shiny. He took the ring from me and told me to put the necklace on. Then he put the ring on my hand. Nothing fancy. No words. Just put it there.

I’d like to ask him now what the ring means. But I don’t know how to.

Since that first time, I’ve seen him maybe five or six times. When I still had my good paying job, I’d go down there and spend two or three weeks vacation down there with him. Mostly in an extended stay hotel, closer to where he worked. That way, he could still work (he worked nights) and then spend all day with me. It was fun. We’d go to walmart at 1am after he got out of work… We’d go to parks and do other things during the day.  And then when it was all over, I’d leave… And get home and cry my brains out.

Since I lost that job, I’ve seen him twice. Both times he’s come here. Once when I lived on Monroe, and once where I’m living now. It’s been about three years since the last time. I know a lot has gone on for him. He’s gone through being downsized, his mom losing a house, and all sorts of other things. I don’t know the whole story, and I don’t know if I ever will. Since that last time, it seems like he’s changed a lot. He just doesn’t seem like the same person anymore. Maybe all his stress has gotten to him, I don’t know. Maybe he doesn’t feel the same. I just don’t know where I stand anymore. I don’t know what I am to him.

I’m back to square one again. Lonely as heck. Scared out of my mind. Longing for something that others have that never seems close enough for me to touch. Living vicariously through friends who don’t even know about any of this. The same friends who tell me “why don’t you just dump him? he obviously doesn’t love you. he must have a girlfriend if he doesn’t want to be with you. or else he’s gay. just forget him and find someone else.”

Who?

Who can I feel safe with?