Flowers Die

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Archive for the ‘bitching’ Category

not good enough

nekonoai on Oct-4-2017

Yesterday, I tried, for most of the day to exclusively breastfeed the twins. I even got in a lot of tandem nursing, which is kind of hard to maneuver without help. Especially if you have one latched and are trying to get the other one out of a swing.

I used my app to track time and duration of nursing for each twin, and they both seemed to be actively sucking most of the time, which was encouraging. They both usually fell asleep about 20 minutes in and the sucks became less frequent. when they had more than 3 minutes of inaction, i would pause the timer and see if i could reengage them. if not, id take them off and just let them snuggle. when they were both done, I’d transfer them to their holding stations and go do a chore or get a food or something. they would generally wake up in an hour and want to feed again, so I’d sit down and start over.

it’s hard to gauge how much milk they were actually getting. i know they got something because there would be some milk in the tip of the shield, but i don’t remember hearing them gulping like they do with the bottles (like the book says they should).

For the rest of the day, i pretty much repeated the whole process, tandem feeding the both of them for at least a half hour at a time. they seemed to wake after an hour every time and wanted to go again, so i felt like my life was gonna be spent in the recliner. I didn’t get a chance to pump all day, but i figure it was more important for them to get the milk, so i didn’t worry about it.

Tom worked a little late, so it was about 6 when he got home and i had to start dinner. i disengaged the girls and made grown up dinner. That’s when the screaming started. the hungry cry quickly escalated to something worse. Reina started it, of course. She is the louder twin and hr cry will bore a hole thru your brain. so i grabbed her and sat down again and tried to get her to latch, but she just wouldn’t. she just kept screaming at the boob. nothing i did would settle her and get her on. WTF? we’ve been doing this all day… she normally doesn’t protest too long when she does. whats the issue? after a few minutes of this, i had tom make a bottle. she gulped that down in record time. wtf? is my baby starving? is she getting nothing from me? Aya had started crying too, so i had tom feed her a bottle and she sucked hers down as well.


The rest of the night they had formula and long stretches of sleep were had by all.

Today, I decided I would nurse Reina as often as she wanted and give Aya formula when she wanted it. I’ve been pretty much glued to the recliner all day, because as soon as I would put her down, Reina would wake up and demand to be back at the boob again. She’s really not napping at all. And both of them seem mega cranky. I know that Aya has a lot of gas, and we’re trying to work through that… But at least she settles down after a few good farts and takes a nap… Reina just falls asleep on the boob and the moment I try to move her, wakes up…

It seems like she’s constantly hungry, so I dunno.

The way I see it, I have a few options….

  1. keep trying to bf both of them round the clock… Since we can only get good positions in the recliner, this will lead to very little sleep for me, which might not be a good thing… At least until they’re big enough not to need the shields anymore and we can try nursing in other positions and maybe even in bed. also could lead to a lot more screaming sessions like last night.
  2. keep trying to nurse one of them round the clock… because maybe i make enough for one? still will have to get up more during the night…
  3. bf during the day only and give formula over night? This is what I ended up doing yesterday. Probably should have pumped some time during the night as well, but I didn’t. But I probably should if I want to have somewhat of a stash to have on hand if I need it… and to keep the production up.
  4. Quit altogether and just switch to formula. Not the option I really want to go with, but maybe then I’d be able to get something done and actually get some sleep at night as well.

I really don’t know which way to go at this point. I feel like I was sabotaged by the experiences in the hospital.

I knew having twins would be rough… but honestly, right now this is the roughest thing for me. Cloth diapers? easy. Not getting a full night’s sleep every night? fine. I know that won’t last forever. But pumping is torture, and having them attached to me for hours on end and then screaming because they’re still hungry is even worse torture. I need to get a new battery for my scale so I can try weighing them before and after feedings to see how much they’re getting. It just drives me crazy to spend my whole day sitting around and then have it be like I did nothing all day and my baby didn’t really eat. Those little screams are friggin heartbreaking and make me feel like a failmom.

What should I do?


nekonoai on Jul-24-2017

Warning: this post may contain gross things and a bunch of complaining concerning my pregnancy. Continue at your own risk.

Read the rest of this entry »

Schedules and frustrations

nekonoai on Jan-6-2017

So we’re transferring these two little guys on Feb 1st. (No, I do not yet know the sex, and I might not look at the sex even when I do get the paper with the report, because that’s really not all that important to me.)

I’ve scheduled my bloodwork and my ultrasound/lining check for this month…

Trying to schedule some acupuncture and getting frustrated with not getting a reply. I emailed her first before the holiday week and then again today since the holidays are now officially over. I get really antsy and unfocused when I don’t get responses on things. I don’t want to have to go to a new place and start all over… but I really like to make my appointments so that I have them. It helps with my anxiety. Bleh.

I’m supposed to try being stress free during this time, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. We’re going through a major transition at work and of course everything has to be done last minute (by me) with nobody answering my questions and then having to figure out what happened when things break for things that I didn’t have a hand in setting up in the first place. So of course, my phone is ringing nonstop, my email is stuffed with ZOMG THIS ARE BORKEN, and I’m about a month behind on doing my usual, regular work with nobody to help me since they haven’t found a replacement for my assistant.

I keep telling myself that I’m only one person. I make lists and do things one at a time so that I can keep track of what’s done and what still needs to be done, because I wouldn’t remember otherwise.

My diet has gone to shit. I’m eating crap more often than healthy things because crap is faster and I’m exhausted and don’t feel like putting forth the effort it takes to cook something meaningful. I really wish my husband could cook, but he just leaves it all on me, and will only offer to make himself a sandwich or something when I tell him I’m worn out and don’t feel like cooking. Fine, but what good does that do ME? Does that get me something decent for dinner or for lunch the next day if I need it? *sigh*

I’m so frustrated by everything, and these meds I’m on are magnifying things. I feel like everything is spiraling out of my control.

What’s going on!?!

nekonoai on Jul-2-2009

Well, I got a trojan from one of the ads on The pirate bay, and ended up reformatting my main drive.

Then I had issues reinserting my databases into mysql, but finally figured out I could do it table by table (which took a minute, but actually worked!). If you notice anything behaving funkily, please let me know.

I’m working on a new front page/portal for my website, but having trouble deciding on a layout.

Neko chewed through the earpiece on my new pair of glasses. >.< But I bought the insurance, so I’m entitled to 3 frame replacements in the first year. For free. I just gotta get to the mall. Until then, I’m wearing my old pair again. 😛

My baker’s rack came on monday. Gotta finish up the kitchen over the weekend and get that set up.

Also need to work on cleaning out the foyer.

Also need to re-train miyuki because she’s had a couple of accidents lately. Gonna lock her in the bathroom with the potty for awhile until she goes. We do not poo in the back hallway. I think this might be related to her recent illness, so I’m not being too harsh on her at this point. But since that is almost cleared up, I will not tolerate it in future.


nekonoai on Apr-24-2009

This weekend I will be performing nesting rituals… well, mostly cleaning out the nest rituals. The new slide out drawer basket thingies came for my kitchen, so I’ll be cleaning out the unmanageable area ™ and making it more usable. I should probably clean out the fridge and freezer as well, so I can find what foods I can cook during my storm of cooking that is slated for Sunday.

Yes, I’m starting up my weekend storm of cooking again. It just makes life that much easier during the week if I have everything made up and frozen or sitting portioned up in the fridge ready to be dropped onto dinner tray or into bento box. Then I can relax when I come home and not have to constantly think about providing balanced meals.

Beyond the kitchen, I have a ton of other work to do that I can’t seem to get started on. My procrastination, let me show you it. Every weekend, I start, but I get distracted and then stop. I have zero motivation to do anything. 😛

It’s supposed to be hot and gorgeous this weekend, so I’m just gonna fling open all my windows that have screens on them…. 2 of them have broken screens and I don’t dare open them for fear of escape… and just fly around the house cleaning with the music blaring all over the place. I at least want to finish up the kitchen and get a good dent made in my bedroom. Then next weekend maybe I can get to the bathroom and the living room. Gotta decide what’s going and get it OUT. I’m told there are places that will pick up stuff you don’t want anymore… clothes, stuff, etc. Perhaps I will just start putting that stuff down in my back hallway… which means getting the stuff out of my back hallway too… >.< siiiiigh.

I really wish I hadn’t suggested mom move in with me… All this extra clutter in my already pretty full apartment is just for the birds. Add ot the fact that she isn’t even REALLY up here, just her crap is.

Hmm… Maybe instead of my bedroom, I’ll clean the entryway so I can get into the attic to take some of this stuff up there. Stuff she wants to “keep” but we don’t currently have a use for. I really hate that. I have to go around behind her back to get rid of broken and dirty things.  It doesn’t help matters much that she was living with a guy who would “find” stuff and bring it home. We went through bags and bags of stuff, and I designated most of it to go to good will or another such organization, because we don’t need it and I don’t want it taking up space. I HATE having boxes around my house. I won’t live that way. 😛

Bitch bitch bitch.

Anyway, I’m actually in a good mood, I just wish the clock would move a little faster so I could go home. 😛