Flowers Die

do not want

Archive for the ‘depression’ Category

…and her husband wanted nothing to do with it.

nekonoai on Jan-8-2017

I had a dream last night that a very dear friend of mine had a beautiful baby daughter…

…because my brain hates me.

Depression mode in full swing.

Schedules and frustrations

nekonoai on Jan-6-2017

So we’re transferring these two little guys on Feb 1st. (No, I do not yet know the sex, and I might not look at the sex even when I do get the paper with the report, because that’s really not all that important to me.)

I’ve scheduled my bloodwork and my ultrasound/lining check for this month…

Trying to schedule some acupuncture and getting frustrated with not getting a reply. I emailed her first before the holiday week and then again today since the holidays are now officially over. I get really antsy and unfocused when I don’t get responses on things. I don’t want to have to go to a new place and start all over… but I really like to make my appointments so that I have them. It helps with my anxiety. Bleh.

I’m supposed to try being stress free during this time, but it’s becoming increasingly difficult. We’re going through a major transition at work and of course everything has to be done last minute (by me) with nobody answering my questions and then having to figure out what happened when things break for things that I didn’t have a hand in setting up in the first place. So of course, my phone is ringing nonstop, my email is stuffed with ZOMG THIS ARE BORKEN, and I’m about a month behind on doing my usual, regular work with nobody to help me since they haven’t found a replacement for my assistant.

I keep telling myself that I’m only one person. I make lists and do things one at a time so that I can keep track of what’s done and what still needs to be done, because I wouldn’t remember otherwise.

My diet has gone to shit. I’m eating crap more often than healthy things because crap is faster and I’m exhausted and don’t feel like putting forth the effort it takes to cook something meaningful. I really wish my husband could cook, but he just leaves it all on me, and will only offer to make himself a sandwich or something when I tell him I’m worn out and don’t feel like cooking. Fine, but what good does that do ME? Does that get me something decent for dinner or for lunch the next day if I need it? *sigh*

I’m so frustrated by everything, and these meds I’m on are magnifying things. I feel like everything is spiraling out of my control.

getting sucked in

nekonoai on Sep-3-2009

Getting pulled into roleplaying again. This time in a Shadowrun based system. I’ve been trying to think of what kind of character I want to play all week, and it ain’t coming easy. I mean, some ideas come easy, but then there are those ideas that I don’t know are even possible. LIke I had the idea to play a half-breed, but I’m not sure if the DM will even allow this. I also don’t know if any of my technology ideas will even work the way I want them to. Plus, I haven’t even decided on a name yet. Plus, I’m hoping that no one else has decided to play a Hacker or Technomancer type, because it will suck having to scrap and restart.

I got a PDF of the sourcebook from Hunter, and I’ve been reading through it today to get a feel for the world. It kind of reminds me a little bit of Dark Angel, cept with more supernatural type elements. Maybe second season Dark Angel when all the freaks came out. LOL Cept, hopefully less sucky. At any rate, it should be entertaining once I figure out what to do and calm down a bit. Gotta settle into character.

I’ve started saving up to buy a laptop. Yeah, after years of saying WTF do I need that for? I want one. I found a nice one on newegg that should do all I need it to. I should be able to have enough saved up by december, as long as nothing unfortunate happens. *sigh* I swear, if I was the praying type, I’d be on my knees 24-7 these days. I hope things work out favorably for all involved parties.

Anyway, back to the game. I’m kind of torn between wanting to play a human and an elf. I have a feeling the elf will win out, because it’s what Hunter wants me to play. I already know she has an aversion to guns. Knives are ok and she wears a blade shaped like a lightning bolt attached to her belt, looking like an innocent enough accessory.

In other news, I’ve been on a rather harsh emotional rollercoaster this week. I totally blame hormones and the moon. One minute I’m a raving bitch to everyone in the vicinity, and the next I’m like Niagara Falls. Every so often I’ll get what I’ve dubbed the Kanashimi Wave. Just this wave of sadness will crash into me and squeeze at me for a moment, making me feel like crying, and then it lets go. I experienced this yesterday morning while I was walking to the bus stop. It happened for no good reason, but it was harsh. I’m hoping that it lets up over the weekend. If I get crashed into by Kanashimi Wave in front of Hunter, I don’t know how I’ll handle it. *sigh* He’s such a sweet boy. I don’t want him to worry about me. He’s got enough going on right now. Man, what’s with this selflessness? Let’s be real here. You want him to hold you tight while you cry your brains out for no good reason, you silly girl, and you know it!

Sometimes I wonder if I should go back to school for psychology.. and then I think… school? blech. 😛 I guess it wouldn’t be so bad if I didn’t have to pay for it. But there ain’t so such thing as a free education.

I’m sorry… this phone has been disconnected…

nekonoai on Apr-20-2009

For how long, I wonder. Oh well, I guess it doesn’t matter much. Someone who actually cared would send a snail letter if they really wanted to.

I’ve been thinking again of putting myself on one of those dating sites, but I wonder which one? I really don’t want to have to pay for it, but I don’t want just any old asshole who’s only looking for a good time. I’m definitely not a good time. Good times will not be had on the first date. Ever.

I need to get my glasses fixed before I do any of that, though. Can’t go around lookin totally ghetto. Plus I’ve started getting those headaches again that seem to signal a need for a prescription change. 😛 How annoying. I suppose I should find out what times the doc is actually in at sterling so I can be sure to show up and be examined. Definitely getting transitions this time. Going without them all last year was a major pain in the ass.

I’ve started having that stress related sickness again, which is just lovely. 😛 All day long with the sour stomach and not able to eat hardly anything. Haven’t had this for a prolonged time since Anya was born. Can’t really put my finger on what caused it this time. Something must be bothering me, but what?

Kittunz & F-ly behavior.

nekonoai on Mar-27-2009

I decided the other day to email one of the two available no-kills in the area to gain advice and such. So I opened up notepad and in between bouts of tear streaming, composed this shitty little note:

“To whom it may concern,

Earlier this month, a mother cat had her babies in my basement. This is a cat that is fairly young herself that I had seen roaming the neighborhood over the summer. I have asked around the neighborhood and no one will own up to her being theirs. I guess that when she went into first heat they tossed her out to the Toms, which is kind of unfair because she’s really a pretty cat and VERY talkative.

I would love to keep her myself, because she is a very affectionate and sweet cat, but unfortunately I already have two of my own and they don’t seem to want to get along. Plus, I can barely afford spaying and vet bills for the cats I already own. One of my females is already spayed but the other really needs to be, so I’ll be looking into those services as well!

I’m writing this email, because I want to know what I should do and where I should take mommy and babies. They were born sometime around the first weekend in March. That’s when I noticed the mewling while I was down doing laundry and mommy came over to rub against me, so they aren’t 8 weeks yet. I know that some shelters won’t take kittens under 8 weeks.

Should I bring them to you guys, or should I take them to Lollipop? I know it’s kitten season so everyone will probably have an influx of tons of babies. I just don’t feel right turning what should really be a sweet house cat into an outdoor feral cat. It doesn’t seem fair to her. She doesn’t belong outside. She craves love and pets. I am sure that she could be a great pet to someone. As could these cute little bundles of fluff.

Please let me know what I should do. Thank you for your time.”

Now, yes, there is a little bit of the stretching of the truth here. We know where the babbyz were had, but that really doesn’t make much of a difference at this point. And yes, I am planning on getting rid of Mei AND all the babbyz. I’m at the point where I really need to get the household back to some sort of normalcy. I have a small apartment. Really only big enough for two cats. The cost of feeding three has started to creep up. We’re going thru a $6 bag of food every week, where we used to be able to deal with the $3 bag for two weeks. Of course, I don’t want to turn her and/or the kittunz back onto the street or just give em to a pet shop or random person. Ideally, I’d like them to go to an organization that will care for whatever needs to be done to them (spaying, shots, fleas, etc) and place them in homes that will allow them to be fat lazy housecats and get lots of love and scritches.

If I had a bigger house and better situations, I would totally keep every single one of the little bastards. Resisting cute is difficult.

Last night, I got this email back from the chick that handles the email at the place I emailed.

“We can take her here.  We will contact our rescue groups and see if anyone has space.  I can not guarantee anything but she has a good chance.  We also have a low income spay/neuter service here for city residence and it would cost you $45 to get your girl fixed.  If you live in the city you are free to apply and take advantage of our services.  You may bring Mommy in or call 311 to have her picked up by our Animal Control officers.  Thank you and have a good day.”

Rather short, to the point, etc. I was rather tempted to email her back and tell her that we HAVE called 311 SEVERAL times to try and get someone to remove several Toms and other cats (including Mei) that have gotten into the basement over the winter, but I figure, why bother. I’m just gonna take them in myself. Hopefully I’ll be able to get my carrier back. If not, no big woop, I’ll have to buy a new one for when I take Miyuki in for her spaying. I’m also hoping I make little enough to get Miyuki fixed with their discount.  I really don’t feel like paying close to $300 for spaying again. I went thru that bullshit with Neko.

So I’ll probably take them in sometime next week. Probably end up crying very f-ly afterwards. I’m INTJ, I swear. Bleh.