Flowers Die

do not want

not good enough

nekonoai on Oct-4-2017

Yesterday, I tried, for most of the day to exclusively breastfeed the twins. I even got in a lot of tandem nursing, which is kind of hard to maneuver without help. Especially if you have one latched and are trying to get the other one out of a swing.

I used my app to track time and duration of nursing for each twin, and they both seemed to be actively sucking most of the time, which was encouraging. They both usually fell asleep about 20 minutes in and the sucks became less frequent. when they had more than 3 minutes of inaction, i would pause the timer and see if i could reengage them. if not, id take them off and just let them snuggle. when they were both done, I’d transfer them to their holding stations and go do a chore or get a food or something. they would generally wake up in an hour and want to feed again, so I’d sit down and start over.

it’s hard to gauge how much milk they were actually getting. i know they got something because there would be some milk in the tip of the shield, but i don’t remember hearing them gulping like they do with the bottles (like the book says they should).

For the rest of the day, i pretty much repeated the whole process, tandem feeding the both of them for at least a half hour at a time. they seemed to wake after an hour every time and wanted to go again, so i felt like my life was gonna be spent in the recliner. I didn’t get a chance to pump all day, but i figure it was more important for them to get the milk, so i didn’t worry about it.

Tom worked a little late, so it was about 6 when he got home and i had to start dinner. i disengaged the girls and made grown up dinner. That’s when the screaming started. the hungry cry quickly escalated to something worse. Reina started it, of course. She is the louder twin and hr cry will bore a hole thru your brain. so i grabbed her and sat down again and tried to get her to latch, but she just wouldn’t. she just kept screaming at the boob. nothing i did would settle her and get her on. WTF? we’ve been doing this all day… she normally doesn’t protest too long when she does. whats the issue? after a few minutes of this, i had tom make a bottle. she gulped that down in record time. wtf? is my baby starving? is she getting nothing from me? Aya had started crying too, so i had tom feed her a bottle and she sucked hers down as well.


The rest of the night they had formula and long stretches of sleep were had by all.

Today, I decided I would nurse Reina as often as she wanted and give Aya formula when she wanted it. I’ve been pretty much glued to the recliner all day, because as soon as I would put her down, Reina would wake up and demand to be back at the boob again. She’s really not napping at all. And both of them seem mega cranky. I know that Aya has a lot of gas, and we’re trying to work through that… But at least she settles down after a few good farts and takes a nap… Reina just falls asleep on the boob and the moment I try to move her, wakes up…

It seems like she’s constantly hungry, so I dunno.

The way I see it, I have a few options….

  1. keep trying to bf both of them round the clock… Since we can only get good positions in the recliner, this will lead to very little sleep for me, which might not be a good thing… At least until they’re big enough not to need the shields anymore and we can try nursing in other positions and maybe even in bed. also could lead to a lot more screaming sessions like last night.
  2. keep trying to nurse one of them round the clock… because maybe i make enough for one? still will have to get up more during the night…
  3. bf during the day only and give formula over night? This is what I ended up doing yesterday. Probably should have pumped some time during the night as well, but I didn’t. But I probably should if I want to have somewhat of a stash to have on hand if I need it… and to keep the production up.
  4. Quit altogether and just switch to formula. Not the option I really want to go with, but maybe then I’d be able to get something done and actually get some sleep at night as well.

I really don’t know which way to go at this point. I feel like I was sabotaged by the experiences in the hospital.

I knew having twins would be rough… but honestly, right now this is the roughest thing for me. Cloth diapers? easy. Not getting a full night’s sleep every night? fine. I know that won’t last forever. But pumping is torture, and having them attached to me for hours on end and then screaming because they’re still hungry is even worse torture. I need to get a new battery for my scale so I can try weighing them before and after feedings to see how much they’re getting. It just drives me crazy to spend my whole day sitting around and then have it be like I did nothing all day and my baby didn’t really eat. Those little screams are friggin heartbreaking and make me feel like a failmom.

What should I do?

Virtual baby shower unboxing videos & baby videos…

nekonoai on Sep-23-2017

We’re here to PUMP you up!

nekonoai on Sep-23-2017

I never really gave a thought to the fact that my girls wouldn’t be able to immediately breastfeed after they were born. Of course they would.

And then I had preemies. LOL Their little mouths are too small to get the adequate amount of breastmeat in there in order for the latch to be successful. That doesn’t mean they don’t try for it. The other day, I had R on my chest doing skin time with her… and she bounced around in search of… found a nipple all on her own and immediately clamped down on just the nipple and gummed it a few times. OW. They REALLY want to be able to just have mommy milkies, but it’s just not in the cards right now because they’re still so tiny. So we supplement with a special preemie formula (that costs $18 a damn can, and isn’t available at our store. Thank goodness for Amazon pantry); and I pump as often as possible.

Pumping wasn’t really easy for me from the beginning. At first, in the hospital, I would do one boob at a time, and get tiny drops of that lovely liquid gold that I would immediately send down to the special care nursery for my girls to enjoy at feeding time. As the week went on, I started getting more of that at a time, until it eventually ran out and my milk got thinner and more… well just milk.

In the hospital, I used a medela symphony. Those things are awesome because they have a built in program that varys how they suck, just like real babies do… They’re also like $2000+ and insurance won’t pay for you to have one at home… But I suppose you could always rent it. I ended up getting a Spectra thru insurance when we left the hospital. Honestly, the spectra’s suction is WAY more intense than the medela was… and I have to keep it on the lowest suction level or it hurts pretty bad… and I’m not into breast pain, thx. Plus, pain is not condusive to production. 😛

The hardest thing about pumping has been trying to hold on the flanges with both hands the whole time. It pretty much made me a lump for 15-30 minutes at a time, regardless of how much actuall extracted. It sucks when you’re sitting around for 30 minutes and only get 2ml of milk. Do you know how little 2ml is? It’s about 1/4 TEASPOON. Kind of makes you want to cry. My pumping supply has definitely gone down since I’ve gotten home, and I blame that on the fact that I have to handle all of the baby stuff myself, plus cook for myself, and make sure I get plenty to drink by myself. In the hospital, I always had the option of letting the nurses in the SCU take a feeding or three, and they brought me lovely well balanced meals 3 times a day, and lots of hydrating fluids. I really got spoiled in the hospital. The food wasn’t bad for the most part, except for sometimes the meat was a little dry or the veggies a little bland… but most of the time I cleaned my plate, plus ate the snacks that they served along side, or if I was full, I saved the snacks for later. I was ravenous, and I pumped every 3 hours like clockwork, around the clock. I couldn’t really sleep anyways, because I couldn’t get comfortable. C-sections will do that to you.

Since I’ve been home, my appetite has decreased significantly, which is really bad, and probably no wonder why I’m only getting tiny amounts of milk at a time. My poor babies are being deprived of my nourishment because of this. Plus, having to sit like a lump with my hands holding things to me for 30 minutes at a time is difficult. Especially overnight. Especially when I’d fall asleep sitting there, drop one of the bottles and spill all of the milk I’d just expressed. yes, we do cry over spilled milk in this house. T.T It’s friggin devistating. And I also can’t do anything else, so if I’m pumping and a baby cries or I have to pee or the house sets on fire… I can’t do anything but sit there and just wait… Mostly Netflix and Pump. I’ve been going thru Bones. And then… when I finally get to sleep… sometimes I don’t want to get up to pump.. or I want to just go back to sleep after feeding the babies… and these things are both not good for boosting supply. *sigh* But I am guilty of it. It’s hard, ya’ll – – really friggin hard.

Today, I had my first venture out of the house without the babies. My mother in law and I went to Target to use up the gift cards from my wedding shower. (LOL 5 year old gift cards ftw) I got some swaddlers and some more of the bottles we like using, because we only had two and it’s really inconvenient to have to be constantly washing the same bottles out every damn time. Now I have 8 of these bottles and can just line them up and fill them with nursery water so they’re waiting for formula… or keep a couple of them in the fridge with breast milk collecting for the girls. I also found a hands free pumping bra thingie… It’s more like a band type thing because it doesn’t have straps… but it has holes in the front that you stick the flanges thru so it can hold them to the boob area. I got the biggest one available because it said it could handle my size 44DDDs. ;P It’s a little bit unweildly to get on… it has a hook and front zipper… and it’s a bit snug, but I suppose it needs to be… The material stretches plenty, but it really holds ya there once you let go and stop stretching. I’m sure it may loosen a bit in time. all stretchy things do. But I’ve used it once so far and it was lovely. I was able to use my hands while pumping. OMG. o/` a whole new world…o/` And since my pump is a unit that has a rechargable battery and doesn’t need to be plugged in all the time, I can be a bit more portable… Like I could go to other rooms and maybe even pee while pumping… not that I want to think about that. But if I needed to run out of the house if it caught on fire, I would have two hands to grab my babies and my pump and keep right on pumping the whole time. LOL (morbid thoughts much? my house isn’t gonna catch on fire.) So, even tho it’s a little bit snugger than I generally like things to be, I’m calling this thing a win for now. Being able to surf the web or chop veggies or even feed a kid while pumping? OMG. FEED A KID WHILE PUMPING!?! THEN I WOULDN’T HAVE TO STAY UP EXTRA LATE? OMG I NEED TO TRY THIS TONIGHT… sorry… got a little excited there. This is gonna be a game-changer. Hopefully this will help me ramp up my supply… I really need to pump more than 2-10ml at a time… I think the most I’ve gotten since I’ve been home was like… 20 ml… or 4 teaspoons (or 1 tablespoon and a teaspoon). My girls normally eat around 50-60 ml at a time right now (They’re a week and 4 days old), 6-8 times a day… so that’s not nearly enough to even feed one of them ONE feeding.

Gotta eat more… drink more… I got some mother’s milk tea… got a remedy for sore nips that involves warm salt water… and now this hands free pumping bra thing. Let’s do this!

In other news, my girls are still very tiny, but they are gaining the appropriate amount of weight that doctors want them to gain, so I’m happy. It sucks that they have to gain using mainly formula, but I have to be realistic. FED is best. And the fact that they keep trying to find my boob and get my milk just makes me all the more determined to at least extract it for them until they can successfully get it for themselves, and for that they need to grow!

I love these girls sooo much. How could I not?

Who comes up with these things?

nekonoai on Aug-4-2017

So, I was watching the youtubes, as I often do… and I came across a video of someone reviewing Oppai Ice… (Oppai means boob in Japanese)


I wonder how popular this item was. They often have strange confections in Japan.


Registry Links

nekonoai on Aug-3-2017

Many people have asked me for my registry links… so I thought I would gather things in one place… To make it easier…

Main Baby Registry

If you’d rather add to our book collection… board books… or picture books  or other books…. Reading is very important!

If you want to get gift cards instead, we do most of our shopping at Amazon, Wegmans, and Target.

If you want my address to just get me something handmade or second hand, please message me privately. This includes drawings, cards, letters, knit/crochet items… etc… I would totally frame drawings to hang in the girls room (as long as it’s appropriate for a child to be looking at)!

Please note that we do not need clothes in newborn size. We have TONS already. Bigger sizes are ok.

YES I WILL ACCEPT HAND-ME-DOWNS!!! RECYCLED BABY STUFF FTW! Just make sure it’s clean, please. ^_^