I’m not sure what’s going on with me or if it’s just a winter thing, but I’ve been having the attacks again for the past two weeks in a row. Whenever I get too over excited or anxious or over exerted I short circuit like Neo in the first Matrix movie. You remember that part… where he got dizzy and the white stuff came out of his mouth. It’s like that. I get dizzy and suddenly hot and then I could yak, if I don’t get some liquid immediately. Thankfully, the yakking only happened once and I was able to play it off as “too much coughing” around the folks I was with at the time after emerging from the bathroom.

It seems to happen a lot when I get anxious and have to do things quickly, too. Like I’m on a time limit. Or if there’s a lot of people in an area. It happened three times while shopping. Two of those times I had a drink with me, so I was ok, if a little slower than usual. The third time I had to grab a jug of juice off  the shelf and chug some before buying it. Luckily, no one gave me a hassle about this. That was a pretty bad day.

I’m sure a lot of this is in my head and could probably be avoided if I didn’t think about it happening again. Isn’t that the trick? I know I have social anxiety, but this is just rediculous. I don’t want to be like that. It sucks. Especially when I’m around Hunter. Just not cool. I don’t want friends to see me like that. I don’t think they’d get it. At least I know he can be a bit understanding because of his own issues. But… yeah… *sigh*

Sometimes I really don’t get my mom. It seems like no matter how much advance notice she has, she never seems to be ready on time. A normal person who is going on vacation would pack their bags the night before if they were slated to leave early in the morning, to avoid the stress of running around looking for last minute details in the morning. Not her. She’s known for the last two weeks that she was going on a trip (she’s going to New Jersey to meet some guy, and then Maryland to visit a friend who used to live in Rochester (in my apartment, actually). She’ll be gone about a month, if not longer. Who knows with mom. She does things like this. Gets a whim and no one can tell her otherwise. She’s not very practical.

So of course, she has her laundry all washed and has planned and packed what she wants to take with her over the weekend while I’m gone, right? Wrong. I get home from a nice long weekend spent with Tom *sigh*, and immediately am bombarded with manic mommy wanting me to take her laundry to the basement and shove it in the dryer. And she would put another load in the washer in the meantime. I look at her like she has 10 heads, because she had two weeks to do these things. She could have asked me any time during the week while I’m home to help her with her laundry (I don’t really blame her for needing me to run up and down the stairs for her. The stairs are kinda treacherous and her legs aren’t the greatest, but still…), but no. She waits until 7pm the night before to do everything in a panic. Thankfully, I didn’t have to make dinner, but this did keep me up a little later than I wanted to stay up, waiting for the dryer to be done with her last load, and I didn’t get to bed til after midnight. Bleh. Still, she couldn’t complain that I didn’t get her stuff done in plenty of time for her to pack and be ready on time, right?

So I get up at my usual time: 6am. I blearily go into the bathroom and notice mom’s shampoo is up there, and idly wonder if she’s left yet. I take it down and not only has she not left, but she’s not even dressed and for some reason she can’t find her bra. (it was on her bed, can’t miss it the darn thing is such a bright white) She’s also not packed fully. And she’s in hyper overdrive.

This is when the nausea sets in. I can’t handle her when she gets to this level. It overloads my neural net. Somehow, I hold it together and shove her suitcase full of clothes and her other bag with her trip snacks and other things she’ll want with her on the bus. Yeah. Bus. She’s taking a greyhound. She seems to like taking the bus, so whatever. Of course she’s yacking nonstop and complaining that *I* am going to make her forget something, by trying to get her bags packed for her. Keep in mind, the cab is slated to come at 6:30… and this was 6:15 and she still didn’t have shoes on. Finally, I got her bags packed and took them out to the back way, hoping that the cabbie would help her with them.

Yeah, too much to hope for.  The cabbie didn’t even pull in all the way at first, and mom is standing in the back way, screaming… yeah, he probably couldn’t hear her. *siiiigh* I shoved on my shoes and jacket and went out and helped her down the stairs with her bags and walker (if I ever become this helpless, please put me out of my misery, I couldn’t stand it.) Of course, she’s ranting and panicking because she has this irrational fear of falling. I motioned for the cabbie to come forward more in the driveway, and he did. Mom asked to sit in the front seat because it would be easier for her to get in and out rather than sitting in the back of the minivan. the cabbie had a broken arm, so he wasn’t really much help. We got the bags and her walker and her into the cab and I waved goodbye and ran back in the house. It’s f’n cold out there.

It was now 6:45 and I still had to shower and get ready so I could leave for work at 7:30. Meh. At least my stuff was ready to go. I dunno. Why does she do this all the time? Can’t she ever get ready ahead of time? Whenever I have a trip coming, I start packing a week ahead of time, so I can make sure I have enough clothes and everything for the trip. I never worry about forgetting something because I pack it when I think of it.

Don’t get me wrong, I can procrastinate with the best of them, but to put myself in a stressful situation like this consistently? no way.

I had to take the bus in to work today. Most days when I do this it’s pretty uneventful, but sometimes I come across some interesting characters. Today was one of those days.

I was minding my own business, just pacing around at the bus stop when this girl comes up and sits on the stoop of the building a few feet away. She was carrying a paper bag with an obvious bottle in it. Hard to say what it was. People in my area carry soda bottles that way, as well as liquor. It could have been either. This girl could have been pretty, if not for her obvious meth teeth. Quite sad.

So, she starts talking really loudly to the two high school kids that are also standing around the area. Most likely, because they’re guys. I don’t think she was a prostitute, because if she were, she would have been trying to proposition the cars as they went by. I couldn’t exactly hear what she was saying clearly, because I had my headphones on, but it was obviously craziness because the guys were NOT making any sort of eye-contact, but she just kept on babbling. After a minute, I whipped out my phone and started recording her, so I could listen back to it later. I pretended to text every few moments, so she wouldn’t try to call me out on it. I really wish my phone had video capabilities, because she was kind of animated as well.

So I’m listening to it now, and for a moment she’s going on about wildlife and why she’s scared of it. It’s hard to make her out completely, because of traffic going by. I’m gonna try to clean it up when I get home, and maybe I’ll post it. Just before the bus came, she said “there is no peace of mind.” Yeah, I gotta try to clean this up. It’s not very long, just two minutes of her tirade because it didn’t come to me to start recording her right away. I gotta get on the ball next time. LOL

I have a feeling she was hanging out waiting for her supplier, since  a lot of dealers tend to troll that area. Yeah, I live in a really good section of town. *rolls eyes* You just learn to keep your head down and mind your own business. Keep to yourself and nobody bothers you. Be invisible. I’m good at that.

This weekend was rather unusual, as 3 of the guys who usually play game with us through skype were in town. It was kind of interesting to put a face to the voices.

Friday night we went to the Old Toad, which is an english pub downtown with actual English people as waitstaff (and probably behind the scenes too). They have “authentic” English cuisine as well, but the menu is rather short. I ordered the fish n chips, because I really wasn’t in the mood for anything heavier. Ended up sharing some of it with Hunter, because he was dissatisfied with what he ordered. (avoid the mac n cheese, folks, it’s hardly cheesy and way too crumbly) I spent most of the time before and after food was consumed with the two girls who don’t attend game, but who I usually see Saturday nights for pot luck & anime watching. They’re pretty fun to hang out with and talk to, so I wasn’t too bothered. I’m still trying to get to know them.

Saturday morning we actually got up earlier than normal and went out for breakfast with some of the guys, instead of just grabbing lunch on the way to RIT. I had pancakes! Omnomnom. And Baconomonom. I’ve had better pancakes AND bacon elsewhere, but it was ok and satisfied the craving I had been having. What was funnier was that we all ordered the same thing, except for one person who added eggs to his order. I think this amused the waitress.

Game was rather meh, as I didn’t really have much to do in it. I think I played for a total of five minutes in the 4 hours we played. Mostly I was playing Ninjatown and Henry Hatsworth (hat game) on my DS, and then a little bit of Disgaea on my PSP. I had Hun optimize my Disgaea characters since he knows the equipment system better than I do.  We actually ended game a bit earlier than usual because someone who would have played a key role in the next part of the plot wasn’t there and we couldn’t really play it without him.

Since it was too early to just go to dinner, we decided to go buy a game from Millenium and just play it there. After much deliberation and a vote, Robovox ended up buying Star Munchkin and we grabbed a table to play for awhile. One of the unwashed joined us for a little while, but left halfway through the game because one opened up he’d rather play. We weren’t really sorry to see him go because the funk coming from that kid was liek woah. Also ran into the Geek there. I guess his game club plays at Millenium on saturdays. Kinda forgot about that. *shrug*

Munchkin was really fun. I totally want to get all of the decks now and make an uber Munchkin deck of doom. It will go nicely with my planned uber Fluxx deck of doom. We ended up going back to the DM’s house after dinner and playing another hand of Munchkin, mixing his Cthulhu Munchkin deck with the Star Munchkin deck. That certainly made things more interesting! Plus we had more players after dinner, because two more people had joined us for dinner. \:d/

Went to Arigatou for sushi. Next time I go, I will NOT be getting the all you can eat special, because I could barely finish one plate. I was very happy that one of the pieces was eel. I could eat so much eel. Omnomnomnom. Hun was surprised that he liked eel, having only tried tuna and salmon before (and possibly one other that he couldn’t remember). Tamago was also on the menu. I really wish I could make my tamagoyaki like that, but it never quite comes out tasting as good. The only fish that we both agreed was gross was the mackerel. It was too fishy for our liking, but that was ok, because there was tons more to nom. I even ate quite a few of the rolls, even though I’m not a big fan of seaweed. The shrimp tempura roll with spicy mayo was really good. The sushi-ya was really funny. He was the only guy making the stuff and was swamped with orders. It was rather entertaining to watch him make the sushi. he even made us a “dessert” sushi with peanut butter, cream cheese, avocado in it. I had a piece of that. It was rather interesting. But yes, next time, I will just order a few pieces of sushi off the menu, so I only get what I want.

We didn’t get home til 1:30 in the morning, but it was a good day full of fun. :)  We even ended up sleeping in til 2 in the afternoon on sunday, which isn’t difficult for Hun on a good day. The boy can sleep. I didn’t mind though, except I had a rather disturbing, highly realistic dream.

I dreamt the Furry actually came back up to Rochester to see me, and when I told him too late, he got rather defensive and shouty and uncharacteristicly angry and mean toward me. I actually stood up to him, though (which is probably why I had a massive headache when I woke up), and told him that if he had actually made an effort to keep in contact he might not have lost. It’s his own damn fault for stringing me on as long as he did. A girl can only take so much before she’s had enough, and I had had enough. I’m not waiting and wasting my life anymore. I’ve finally found someone who actually actively loves, desires, and cherishes me. I’m not giving that up to go back in time. Not anymore.

I must’ve been really running or fighting in my dream because I woke up with a bad leg cramp in addition to my headache. I jumped out of bed, waking up Hun, who asked if I was ok. *sigh* I told him I had a cramp… and a very disturbing dream about my ex, but didn’t go into detail. I was rather clingy for the rest of the morning.

Went to Hammergirl. They acquired a bigger store! Hun bought a Gurren Lagen patch for his bag of holding, and a little figure to add to his collection. I saw a couple of things that I wanted, but I didn’t get anything. We also went to Five Guys, because I medically needed a cheeseburger, and we were supposed to have gotten them for Saturday lunch, but didn’t because we did breakfast instead.

Going home is always suck, but I’ll live. I hope he finds a really good job soon so that we can save up a little and get our own place. It’d be nice to be able to live with him full time. He said his dad had gotten a lead from a friend with a job either in California or Virginia. I get kinda scared when moving is brought up, because I’d have to start over finding a job as well, and we’d end up being apart for awhile until the current campaign dies down enough to where I can leave comfortably without feeling guilty about leaving a giant pile of work behind. Ideally, I’d rather NOT move, and I don’t think he would either, because most of his friends are here, and he is very much a routine oriented person, I think. Plus, if he could find something good here, I could keep my job and things could go on as normal.

Who knows how things will go. I just want him to be happy, and I know he’d be a lot happier right now if he had a job and could feel a bit more stable. He needs the structure. Bleh. I hate mondays.

I’ve started a new project; codename: Moonlight Musings.

It’s going to feature all of my writings, past and present. Right now it’s only got two entries, but I have enough stuff that I should be able to have something new every day (hopefully weekends as well, if I can get Hunhun to let me use his computer to update). It won’t be just poetry, but also stories, essays, parts of my novels, some old school assignments that were interesting, and a lot more.

I started this project in the hopes that it would rekindle my muse and get me writing again. I’ve been getting spots of inspiration here and there, but nothing seems to linger long enough for me to get it down. Hopefully this will help. If not, hey, I finally get all of my stuff typed up and all in one place.